Four years ago, I walked out of a downtown office building for the last time on my way to becoming a stay at home mom. Four years have gone by, but I don't identify with this roll. I wonder what else I could be doing...I hear the call...I feel ambition's pull. Do you ever feel it too?
After the arrival of baby two, I let myself be carried through each day. I try to stay ahead of the next tantrum. Fatigue. I have no direction. I care about my weight, healthy meals, happy kids, and a clean house. I tell myself: "This is only temporary. Your (adorable, brilliant, sensitive) children are only young once. You made the right decision. It's a privilege to stay home. Your time is coming..."
My time to do what, exactly?
I day dream about having a successful second career, but, from where I stand, it seems impossible to rejoin the workforce and start over from scratch. This huge barrier (imagined or real?) has left me paralyzed. I drift along, hoping something will reveal itself...
I have these nagging fears. What if I take the first steps toward a new career and it doesn't work out? What if I can't compete with people 20 years younger? What if I lack the talent? What if the payoff is not worth the time put in?
I have two years before my youngest is in full time kindergarten*. This deadline sounds far enough ahead that I don't have to think about it now. Except, nothing is going to suddenly fall into my lap. I need to seek out my future and proceed toward it. I need to find some direction...and maybe put my ambition to good use.
ps. I hope to rely on school as a bridge between here and where I want to be. I love school. I guess that is something I can get started on now. Find the right program and make sure I meet the requirements.
pps. I underestimated how sticky being stay-at-home-mom is...
ppps. I wonder if I should read old blog posts...I have this nagging suspicion that I contradict myself at times...
pppps. I bought some more art...
*The boys are 4, and 20 months...my first starts kindergarten (half-day) this fall!
