Thursday, November 7, 2013

Lost in space

Eat right, sugar is poison, flour is poison, exercise regularly, TV is evil, walk more, detox, juice cleanse, moisturize, floss...

Get lost

Every once and a while, we need a lost day. You know, it's cold and drizzling outside: not wet enough to pull out the umbrella, but guaranteed to make your mittens soggy. You stay in bed watching TV, or reading, munching on crackers (crackers in bed, ha!), take a nap, leave the clean laundry in piles to put away later...the sky, that never really looked bright, starts to darken and you realize it is past supper time. That's a lost day.

Laziness? Nah...I like to think of it as a mental health retreat. A ritual we partook in before having kids, and one that I think I would benefit from now.  My husband still manages the odd lost afternoon, but I rarely take the time to slow down.

Slow down? What the hell am I doing everyday, anyways? Well, I have responsibilities! Money that won't spend itself! Corners of the house cluttered up with life, corners that MUST BE organized. The children need to smell nice, and play nice, and pee in the toilet (Why is it so difficult to aim that thing, anyways?) There are meals to prepare from scratch. The dishes need to be put away. One can not just sit in bed.

I have to admit I am no longer sure what is important in life. Dana's book shook me a bit. Then, Thich Something Hanh's buddist teachings seeped in. This week I read Bliss, by Peter Carey, he mocks the middle class and gave me a few sharp jabs in the ribs with a boney finger. I am now reading non-fiction. History of the dutch empire.

A little lost

I want to learn to meditate - - - isn't that just adding another layer of complexity to the day? ...and smug, a way of trying to be better than you?

I want to find some of the people I've lost. I said it before, there are so many people I let drift out of my life. What would happen if I invited them all over to my house? To sit in my living room. Sounds like I want to live in the past - not exactly. I want them to know that they were very important in my life and I still carry them with me! Of course, I forget so many names...sometimes I only have faces attached to my memories.

I am not feeling particularity creative. I turned thirty six. I lost my wanderlust. I have 15 more books to read to bring my 2013 quota up to 100. I keep getting a cold and/or flu. I would have appreciated knowing that it is possible for children to make it 4.5 years without sleeping through the night. My short term memory fails me over and over - I have notes written on scraps of paper tucked into gfi outlets and taped to the monitor (I write things down when I can find paper that hasn't been scribbled on).

I put the iphone down. Most of the day, it sits abandoned. I no longer panic when I forget where it is.

Change in seasons. Spring is a time for renewal. What is fall? Fall is shopping for Christmas presents, and I hate the mall. I wish I could save everyone from the mall. (I hate supermarkets too). Hate is a strong word. I mean it for the mall, but supermarkets are ok.

My lecture series at U of Toronto started out strong. History, then art history. The last 3-4 topics fizzled. I want to look into the art professor's work. I want to own it (Buddha says we enter this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing, attachment is the source of suffering)...I only saw the one image he put on his powerpoint slide, demonstrating vemeer's technique, but I like his style. I forget his name.

I am getting a cold again. I don't think I will leave the house this afternoon. The weather is not playing nice, and it's a rare chance to sit around a do nothing.


  1. How timely! We've been thinking about moving our 2 and 4.5 year old daughters into the same room to make room for a playroom in the basement (our eldest daughter's room would become an office, freeing up the space downstairs). Anyways, both our girls sleep quite well- but i'm still nervous about them waking each other up. I think there's something to be said about bonding too. I dunno, I had a brother and never shared a room. But up to a certain age, I think it could certainly make them closer. Update us in a bit with how it's going- hopefully well and it'll give me the courage to make the jump!

  2. Last night my older son was sick - coughing and puking...i had to turn a bit of lights on and take care of him and get him know the younger son didnt move a muscle.

    My older son also talks (yells out loud) in his sleep - but the little one doesnt wake! They only wake up mama!

    The bonding thing is a big one. I didnt want to wait too long for the move, i didnt want my older son to get too territorial!!

  3. There has also been nights when my younger son was crying when we left the room. He would cry for 10 mins or so, and my older son would just tune him out - he would still pass out.

  4. I've been having too many lost days lately myself. I have to kick myself to do anything. With a 2 year old and six weeks to go until the next one is born I am losing motivation and energy. We are fighting colds, we are fighting boredom. We moved to a new city in the summer and I haven't made any mom friends. I feel bad I haven't connected with any other moms so that my daughter has an opportunity to play with other kids. In the summer I would take her to the park but now what to do? It's been lonely. I can't seem to get past my shyness! Why is meeting other mom's so hard? I was so good at meeting and dating men. Women are a whole other story though..
    No advice for you other than to say to just take a deep breath. Winter can feel very blah...

  5. winter and these nasty bugs are a 4 year old is coughing in bed right now...

    look for an indoor playground! at a community centre!

  6. I am sighing out loud. After a move to a new province and into a MUCH smaller temporary home, we decided to have our kids (5 and 4) share a room so that we could have a dedicated toy room (so toys weren't EVERYWHERE). That was the end of August - and yesterday we put an end to the insanity and gave them each their own room. This morning, instead of waking up at 5:45, they BOTH slept longer (didn't keep each other awake after my son used the loo). On one hand, I'm sad - I loved seeing them sharing a room, but on the other hand LET SLEEP PREVAIL! All the best to you!

  7. I always feel a little lost in November...maybe it's the approaching long canadian winter.

  8. N_StyleingwithChildrenNovember 8, 2013 at 12:06 PM

    we have a 4.5 year old + a 3 month old in the same room. works great! We're planning on turning the 3rd bedroom in the townhouse (this summer) into a toy room. LOVE your toy room :)

  9. I think this time of year is hard on many of us. Especially moms, for whatever reason. Either you're at home and starting to get a bit of cabin of fever and a glimpse of the months to come, or you're busy at work and trying to keep up with the onslaught of school activities with a full time job. Certainly makes me go to bed at night (ha! early morning,at best) wondering what is important and what I may be missing.

  10. Whenever someone says they are feeling a bit of prolonged blahs I suggest they get their thyroid checked. I'm a bit of a crusader about this because it made such a difference for me. Many, many women have hypothyroidism and don't realize it -they just attribute feeling low energy a bit blue to the difficulties of everyday life. My thyroid conked out after my second child was born and I attributed my state of mind to the fatigue of a second baby. I was wrong. Once I got treated I got my vibe back; I realized that my "old normal" was not normal at all. There's a bunch of helpful info about hypothyroidism at this link from the NY Times.

  11. I booked my physical! I was a bit over due!

    I read about hyperthyroid and i have quite a few of the symptoms...and, well, I've totally self diagnosed let's see what the facts say!!!

    IN the meantime, I am cleaning up the diet...back to basics!

  12. I keep feeling like kids should add extra magic to things I've always enjoyed...for example, I love raking the leaves, doing it with kids should be extra fun! Except, in reality, everything is becoming a many chores...I just want to get it done!
    (I got it done this morning before it started to drizzle)

  13. November is my birthday month, it used to be my favorino!

  14. It's working! The shared room is definitely working!!!!

  15. thanks! the toys have stopped being the bane of my existence...

  16. This one hits home! I feel like this a lot. Sometimes I beat myself up over it - other times I ride it.

  17. You sound like me, a little lost and always trying to fill it. Random question but have you ever seen a naturopath or considered that maybe there's more at work than just the everyday stressors? Of course I am speaking from my current condition - doing a candida cleanse (i am not a detoxer i promise you) - but sometimes there's more than just everyday life at work. Hang in there!