What will you do with all your free time?

This year, the kids are both at school full time, and I'm figuring out the new routine.

Everyday after I drop them off, I come upstairs to the office, and take care of my "administrative duties": fill out school forms, research products (my miele hermes vacuum bag coughed up debris again, killing the motor, I want to know why this keeps happening), shop online for the perfect Halloween costumes (race car driver and minion), print out recipes (focus on anti-inflammatory foods), book appointments with contractors and doctors, look at hundreds of bathrooms on pinterest, and update our calendar with book fairs, art shows, class schedules, and pizza lunches.

For the rest of the day, I might read, workout, walk somewhere, buy groceries, comb my hair, open all of the windows and close them again, sniff things to find out where that smell is coming from and blast the stink with vinegar or baking soda, collect half empty cups (mostly mine) and do dishes, change garbage bags, fold laundry, windex fingerprints, water plants, mow the ratty clover, put away toys, wash floors, cook, meet a friend or thrift for books.

I would like to do more than play secretary, keep house and feed my family. I want to use some of my energy beyond our circle of four people. Things will hold together, even if I spend time at class, lectures, volunteering or free events.

I've booked a continuing education class at University of Toronto and enrolled in a follow up drawing class (which starts today!). I've considered applying for a degree program, and decided that the time, stress, and scheduling conflicts are not worth a second diploma. If I already knew what second career to pursue, I would use school as a stepping stone. Self study for now - I think I can guide my learning better than an institution!

I'm looking for opportunities to volunteer in Toronto. I've searched the listings on volunteertoronto.ca but haven't connected with anything. I don't have a sense for how the volunteer market works (common positions, where people are most needed) or where I fit in. Selfishly, my goal is to enjoy the time I spend helping out. I'm interested in environmental causes - perhaps cleaning up or planting. Two organizations that caught my eye are clearcause.ca and evergreen.ca. I would volunteer to rake leaves (shovel sidewalks) for seniors, if such a cause existed. I put my name forward to help at my children's school.

So that's what I'm doing, what I want to be doing, and what I am doing about it.  From the moment I told my former employer I was stepping out of the workforce, I've expected this day, but never made a plan. Now a month in, I'm still grasping for the right answer. I want to establish a routine now that lasts until the children take their independence, then I can dive deeper into whatever not-for-profit cause, hobby, or learning path.       

Last to know

Vonnegut and Zinsser, authors I've stayed up late into the night with, both urged me to read E.B. White. From Vonnegut,

"White is, of course, one of the most admirable literary stylists this country has so far produced. You should realize, too, that no one would care how well or badly Mr. White expressed himself, if he did not have perfectly enchanting things to say."1

and Zinsser,

"White was the writer who had most influenced me. His was the style—seemingly casual but urbane and wise—that I had long taken as my own model."2

I've read Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little, of course, but was oblivious to White's acclaimed non-fiction work. I wasn't even sure I had the right guy.

I picked up a copy of "E.B. White Writings From the New Yorker 1925-1976" from the Toronto library. A blue hardcover book with 159 short pieces of writing. White wrote about life, current events, window displays, nature, whatever was on his mind. He wrote in a way that was fun for the reader, and made you care. Immediately, I realized, this is what blogs could be (realized I was doing it all wrong.)  I've heard blog advice about branding (confuses me), finding your voice (write until you start to sound like yourself), content calendars (tell your future self what they should say), inspiration (stealing ideas), and Didion. Six years I've spent tapping on my keyboard, and only now uncover the main point of the blog/personal essay: be interesting!

Give me more essays.

I didn't know that the "personal essay" existed. High school never hinted that the essay could break loose from the five paragraph structure. I avoid articles in magazines with large blocks of text and no pictures. If I accidentally read something interesting, I would call it nonfiction a fluke and turn back to novels and short stories. Now that my blind spot has been revealed I have work to do. I put "The Best American Essays", by Joyce Carol Oates & Robery Atwan, on hold at the Library. The library has only two copies of the book, and there are 15 holds placed. While I am waiting I have second book, "Essays of E.B.White" to finish, and the free essays available here.
 
Here is a taste of the writing that got me to come back, a line or two from pieces in the blue book:3

Dressing Up: "One of the male sparrows in Turtle Bay garden made a wonderful discovery at quarter past nine the other morning..." 4/20/46

Dismal: "The most startling news in the paper on February 13 was the weather forecast. It was "Rainy and dismal.". When we read the word "dismal" in the Times, we knew that the era of pure science was drawing to a close and the day of philosophical science was at hand. (Probably in the nick of time.)" 2/25/50

Unwritten: "Sometimes we regret our failure to write about things that really interest us. The reason we fail is probably that to write about them would prove embarrassing. The things that interested us during the last week, for example, and that we were unable or unwilling to write about (things that stand out clear as pictures in our head) were: ..."4/26/30

Seeing things: "The new reptile hall was officially opened a few days ago in the Museum of Natural History and we visited it amidst a group of youngsters who kept crying "Good night!" and their mothers who kept murmuring "Mercy!" The place is like that." 2/18/28

Tadpoles and Telephones: "There was a large bowl of tadpoles in the window of the Telephone Building as we came wandering along, lonely as a cloud. We stopped of course - we stop for anything in windows, particularly tadpoles." 6/2/28

Split Personalities: "The voices of radio and television are the voices of quick-change artists; they move rapidly from selling to telling and back to selling again. They are losing their sharpness because they have divided their allegiance." 2/19/55

Making Do: "A female friend of ours recently moved into a small apartment so full of defects as to be really quite charming." 8/11/45

Walking to Work: "From our home in the cinder belt to this Forty-third Street pent-up house where we work is a distance of some nine blocks - in a southwesterly direction. It has sometimes occurred to us that we take an unconscionably long time walking it, the time ranging from fifteen minutes to two hours and a half. Three-quarters of an hour is about par." 2/13/37

1. Source: How to Write With Style by Kurt Vonnegut  
2. Source: The American Scholar.org "Visions and Revisions",Writing On Writing Well and keeping it up-to-date for 35 years By William Zinsser March 1, 2009
3. Source: Writings from the New Yorker 1925-1976, E.B. White, Edited by Rebecca M. Dale. 

Roger Dodger

There is a scene in a movie I watched who-knows-how-long-ago, Rodger Dodger (2002 comedy), where Rodger talks to Isabella Rosellini as she stands in front of her bathroom mirror and goes through her nighttime beauty regime. I am not sure how old Isabella was, because she is ageless and wonderful. I forget the conversation, but I remember the cool way she had of tolerating him (he let himself into her apartment after their tryst was over).

Was this a popular movie? There is only the briefest plot summary on Wiki. Online video clips have to do with, well, the movie: sex, Roger: player in NYC, and Jesse Eisenburg - I can't find this scene. Did you see the movie?

Anyways, the image of Isabella removing her makeup is stuck in my head. I remember being fascinated with her diligence. Methodical. I didn't get it at the time. It seemed like so much work! Now I relate (well I relate to what I recall). I have my own daily rituals. I imagine we all do. What I didn't realize was the power they seem to have after you reach thirty five.


Image source: http://moviescreenshots.blogspot.ca/2011/01/roger-dodger-2002.html

This isn't what I expected

Four years ago, I walked out of a downtown office building for the last time on my way to becoming a stay at home mom. Four years have gone by, but I don't identify with this roll. I wonder what else I could be doing...I hear the call...I feel ambition's pull. Do you ever feel it too?

After the arrival of baby two, I let myself be carried through each day. I try to stay ahead of the next tantrum. Fatigue. I have no direction. I care about my weight, healthy meals, happy kids, and a clean house. I tell myself: "This is only temporary. Your (adorable, brilliant, sensitive) children are only young once. You made the right decision. It's a privilege to stay home. Your time is coming..."

My time to do what, exactly?

I day dream about having a successful second career, but, from where I stand, it seems impossible to rejoin the workforce and start over from scratch. This huge barrier (imagined or real?) has left me paralyzed. I drift along, hoping something will reveal itself...

I have these nagging fears. What if I take the first steps toward a new career and it doesn't work out? What if I can't compete with people 20 years younger? What if I lack the talent? What if the payoff is not worth the time put in?

I have two years before my youngest is in full time kindergarten*. This deadline sounds far enough ahead that I don't have to think about it now. Except, nothing is going to suddenly fall into my lap. I need to seek out my future and proceed toward it. I need to find some direction...and maybe put my ambition to good use.




ps. I hope to rely on school as a bridge between here and where I want to be. I love school. I guess that is something I can get started on now. Find the right program and make sure I meet the requirements.
pps. I underestimated how sticky being stay-at-home-mom is...
ppps. I wonder if I should read old blog posts...I have this nagging suspicion that I contradict myself at times...
pppps. I bought some more art...

*The boys are 4, and 20 months...my first starts kindergarten (half-day) this fall!

What's MY style?

 

I have three style heros from the blog world. Emma from the Marion House Book, Morgan from The Brick House, and Dabito from Old Brand New.

Emma does texture like nobody's business...I know you know this!
Morgan (who I am not on first names with, but, well, I can't hold that against her), to me, IS California. I love what she does!
Dabito, well now, Dabito is the best. He is young, he is creative, he has his own style.

I don't think there is even a hint of what I see on these websites in our house. This morning, as I scrolled through The Brick House Tumbler, I was wondering about this. If I am overwhelmingly drawn to a certain style, then why doesn't it show up in my home?

Let me suggest some possible reasons:
1) I am too cheap 
2) I see our house as 'done', and I don't know how to push the limits
3) We used a designer in the beginning, and I am reluctant to change anything she did 
4) We are not in California
5) I have my own style
6) I like modern AND I like gramma stuff
7) Too much IKEA (if there is such a thing!)
8) We don't live in a loft, or a modern house
9) I don't own any kilim pillows

What IS my style? Can you see it?

ps. Anytime I have 'copied' something from a blog it hasn't turned out well for me in the end. Inevitably, it is a waste of money. While I love looking through blogs, I try not to get too caught up in what everyone else is doing. Of course, it is impossible NOT to be influenced. At the same time I don't want to end up with a blogger home. You know?  

Foggy Memory

I hung a set of framed leaves on the floating bookshelves in the office. The leaves are at least 12 years old. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to forget the day I picked them. That's why I put them under glass - to hold on to whatever feeling I had in that moment!

Except, I have no idea what was so special about that day.

I have a vague recollection that the two small leaves were plucked off a tree the first time I went for a jog in the city. Except that can't be right? I remember the end of my first run. I was angry. Furious actually. I was out of shape** and had never really pushed myself in terms of fitness before. I needed a drink of water, I needed to spit. I did spit, and the spit hung from my lip...this made me even more ferocious as I grabbed a leaf to wipe my mouth. I actually recall pulling on a branch and the leaf snapping back so I had to grab at the branch a second time...

Surely these are not those leaves!

I like to think I cooled down as we walked home, the endorphins kicked in, and that's when I found the fall colours irresistible.

...but whatever I was actually thinking has completely escaped me. 

The leaves make me want to better preserve our everyday moments. I know I won't be able to recall much of the boys preschool days when they are grown men. Their baby-ness is already fading.

More important than documenting, the leaves remind me to be kind and generous to the people in my present life. More than a decade has flown by and all I have is a dusty meaningless memento. I have no contact with the people who were around then. When I look back at this time in our lives, I hope to do it by reminiscing with friends and family!   
 
   

*I was recently back from spending a summer getting plump in Bilbao, Spain.  

ps. Lately, quite a few memories of my early twenties have come flooding back. So much embarrassment and regret. I was such a jerk in my twenties.      
pps. The office is still one of my favorite places in the house! I continue to fill the room with plants and framed pictures and books and milk glass. I hung two pictures on the back of the closet door (I ran out of wall space!) and I will find some smaller things to hang around the chair. I have about 25 books I want to read on my nightstand. We are running out of space on the shelves but I think there is still enough room to cram them in!     

Wrong table or wrong attitude?

I've been pining for a dining room table that doesn't need a table cloth. You know, a cruddy, old, scratched up, solid wood table that can be played on, coloured at, and used any day of the week - not just when family comes over! A table that can take some abuse!!

We treat our table as if it were 'precious'.  Yes, it came from Ethan Allen (on sale - floor model), and it's veneer, and it shows scratches in the glossy finish... 

but, there is something I tend to forget...

...it's our table!!

Let's use it for homework and craft projects...let's race toy trucks on it...and let's, maybe, have dinner sometime - without the table cloth!!!


Who actually uses their dining room? Show of hands please!!!



ps. It's a two person job to remove the center leaf...total hassle  UPDATE: Or a one person job -if I smoosh the table against the rad to close it!!!  

Life with two

Crying in stereo // Rice stuck to socks // Football pile ups // Matchy-matchy outfits // Dry hands // Night wakings // Laundry // Snatching // Reading and snuggles // Clock watching // Playing together // Giggles // Sharing // Hand-me-downs // Copy-cats // Babysitters // Bending with your knees // Group Hugs.

Hungry for Change

"A world of abundance, and an attitude of lack"

"We are not eating food anymore, we are eating food-like products"

"...people are overfed, but they're also starving to death'

"as long as you are taking in more toxins than you are eliminating, your body won't let you burn fat..."


I just watched the documentary called, "Hungry for Change." It's about weight loss (or why your body might be holding on to fat), how our food choices might be starving us of nutrition, cleansing our bodies, and improving health and well-being through diet.  

I've been moving away from eating processed food. Some weeks I am a superstar, other times, a disaster. It's all about being prepared, as well as eating enough early in the day. When I feel hunger pangs it's too late. I need to stay ahead of my cravings!

The documentary emphasizes eating your vegetables! Of course!! I mean, of course you need to eat your vegetables! They suggest juicing to increase your intake - I think we will try it out!*

Does anyone 'diet' these days? Are we past that? Atkins was the last major diet I noticed people doing...I think the word is out that diets don't work. Are you trying to eat healthier? Whether it's for your appearance or your insides, get a copy of this video - I think you will enjoy it!  

*Any get healthy strategy that forces you to buy heavy duty equipment makes me snicker. It's not like cave men sat around drinking green juice. Still - sautéed kale makes me gag...so maybe this is yummier?! Hey, if it makes my skin glow, I will pinch my nose and guzzle it down!

Source: Quotations sourced from 'Hungry for Change' 

Travel Bug

I finished watching season one of departures. If you like to travel and/or if you have ever done something bone-headed, then this show is for you! The program is really well done - breathtaking cinematography (some scenes will give you goose-pimples) and cool music (I couldn't image the show without the soundtrack). I like the earlier episodes a bit better, since there was definitely more testosterone in the second half of the first season.

These guys don't apologize for making travel the number one priority in their lives. Watching them push their limits and meet their goals taunts me to try and do the same. 

That's why I am putting together a list of things I want to do and see. Kinda a big deal, right? Writing it down means I am attaching some expectation to it, and I will be disappointed if I can't make it happen. So, with that mind, I am setting the bar only as high as I dare. Of course I need to share it publicly. I want the universe to know that travel is one of my top priorities (behind health and family)

Things I want to do:
- hang gliding (I wish I had the money and the guts to hand glide over Larrabasterra beach, outside of Bilbao, Spain. In my early twenties, I quit my job and spent a summer in Bilbao studying Spanish. I would often take the subway to the beach along the coast, and lose my head among the sails over the cliffs. If I never go back, I will always regret it!)
- sky dive, again (because I forgot that I jumped out of a plane the first time, until I was watching departures and I was all - been there, done that!)
- cooking class in Italy
- hot air balloon ride
- spend a Christmas abroad
- live on a different continent

Places I want to go:
- Angkor, Cambodia
- Machu Picchu, Peru
- Japan
- China
- London, UK
- Grand canyon, USA
- Fallingwater, USA
- Dubrovnik, Croatia
- Petra, Jordan
- Canada coast to coast with the boys (I've only been to Quebec, Southern Ontario and Saskatchewan.)
- Brooklyn, USA (I've been to NYC several times, but I want to walk across the Brooklyn bridge)
- Iceland
- Vietnam
- San Francisco, USA

Home-baked temptation

My kids were a bit squirrely this morning.  We were waiting for a phone call*, so I couldn't take them outside. I thought - let's bake! 

Now I have to resist the allure of homemade oatmeal raisin cookies! For now the cookies are packed away in my favorite tin (thanks Aimee!). I am sure I can withstand them for a few hours.** I will send them with my husband to work tomorrow!

The 'sugar-free life-style' was, over time, replaced with 'eating-as-clean-as-possible-but-without-rules life-style'. What that means is, I really wanted to be able to eat greek yogurt and chinese food so I had to make some exceptions. Exceptions are not excuses! Honest...I looked it up! Exception means living life and going with the flow, excuse means sneaking treats after everyone goes to bed and pretending that it was the only sensible thing to do because you are so HUNGRY!

Sweets got the best of me on a few occasions over the holidays, but I said no to dessert several times too! I am eating more vegetables. I drink one regular espresso a day and tons and tons of water.  I avoid juice, cheese, processed stuff, and most bready-starchy things.   
 
I am 3 lbs heavier than at the end of summer. My current weight is 128lbs. I have been exercising regularly for 5 weeks, including some weight training, so maybe things are shifting around. We don't walk as long or as often in the cold, and I nurse the baby less frequently, so maybe I am not burning the same number of calories.

Anyways, I have a goal: flat midsection.

Right now I feel like it is impossible. I am eating mostly right, I am exercising, but the changes are sooo slow. Since it's a new year, I will make a resolution: GIVE IT TIME!  Give it enough time (a year even - why not?), to let changes happen. It won't be over night - so don't give up on yourself!


Happy New Year!! Thank you for a great 2012!




*to book an appointment with chiro since I pulled my trapezius muscle. My husband is convinced I injured myself by reading too much...
**I had a few bites of cookie this morning - to see if they were too hot for the baby to eat (you - I knew it! or possibly - what's the big deal?, me - what was I thinking??)


ps. 1+1=2 ...my son is leaning into my desk chair to insert his head between my face and the screen asking what does 1+1 make. Time to think about something other than the blog (or the cookies) or my midsection! Ta!

pps.  I learned a lot about what is in my food by quitting sugar.  I started reading labels.  With interest.  We made a few simple changes in our diet that will be easy to maintain!    

ppps. I don't have many cravings.  If the food is there, and I know it is there, I think about it. If I think about it, I want to eat it! Except, that is not exactly a physical sugar craving... 

Say what you mean, mean what you say

I jotted these words down on the notepad beside me. "Say what you mean, mean what you say."  I identify strongly with this statement. At least, I should say, I used to identify strongly with it.

I have no shortage of things to say, however, not much of it has meaning. Here are some of the thoughts I considered writing about this week:

- '100 days of working out? Nonsense!'
- 'I officially joined the I-hid-from-my-kids-in-the-bathroom-when-I-didn't-even-have-to-go club!
- 'Upping my Wrapping Game' , umm, I mean, 'Desperately Seeking Wrapping Skills!'
- 'Have you ever seen inside a Passion Fruit? Creepy!'
- 'Black-out Curtains in the Nursery: Too Long, Too Narrow'*


Not much substance in these topics. But how much substance are you really look for in a blog?  I guess it comes down to how much I am looking to share?





*I will fix the rod in 2013, promise!

ps.the passion fruit was delicious!! 

Standing in the Crib

My one-year old has developed the habit of standing in his crib when he should be sleeping. I end up staying in the room until he settles down, and falls asleep on his own.  It is not my favorite thing to do, I get bored standing around doing nothing. (I pass the time with leg lifts and mule kicks and sun salutations.)

On the wall above his crib, hangs a stick mobile I made when my three and a half year old was only one.  I remember that day clearly.  We had a blanket spread out on the front lawn (when the lawn was still grass and weeds, before we seeded it with clover). We were waiting for Baba to come home. It was sunny and warm. I was picking up sticks and making circles out of them. I guess I was bored.

There are a lot of boring moments when you are a stay-at-home mom. I try to accept them as part of the day. I am not exactly sure how to enjoy them. I want to race about DOING.

I guess the mobile reminds me that it is very likely I will look back fondly on these quiet times. Maybe one day, I will wish I could stand beside the crib, just one more time, to watch my little one raise a blanket over his face and fall gently to sleep*, knowing mommy is in the room watching over him. 



*Falling gently to sleep is a rarity...It takes quite a bit of consoling to get my son to go to bed.  It's a phase that is really, really, killing me.

ps. The mobile is hung on a plaster hand print of mine from Kindergarten, beside a dinosaur print from salvation army.

Blackboard on the dining room door

As a stay-at-home mom, I feel like it's my responsibility to make healthy meals for our family.  It is not my favorite part of the job. You see, I am not a very good cook - and when I suck at something, I try to avoid doing it every single night!*

What does dinner entail, anyways?  Research (aka web surfing), prep (aka shopping) and cooking (chopping, measuring and stirring). Sounds easy? We all do it? We all have to eat? Why do I still have so many misadventures in the kitchen?

My husband is great - he will eat anything as long as it is warm and served with rice. 'I love that there's so much ginger in these meatballs, ginger is good for my cold',  'It can't be too rich and saucy when you eat it with rice,' 'It tastes ok, since I like things saltier than you do'...my reply is always the same 'But I followed the recipe!'

The 10,000 hours rule must apply. I've logged, maybe, a couple hundred. (Pouring milk into the cereal bowl doesn't count). I have convinced myself that if I put in enough time, things will get better.      

The truth is, things are improving! I now have a full list of disaster proof meals (written on the chalk board). I also have a bunch of recipes to retry, only this time tweak them to our tastes. In fact, I am able to adjust a recipe, the first time, if I think it has a little too much of this, or not enough of that...I am really doing it! The more success I have, the more I want to cook! I've even stopped thinking of it as 'my job,' and I started to look forward to meal time! How crazy is that?   

What changed? I finally figured out that, even though I might make something only so-so tonight, there is always another meal tomorrow!

Tell me, what did you have for dinner tonight!? 

*Well, not every night, since my husband enjoys cooking.  He shares as much as the load as possible. Tonight I bought veal chops because I know he will slap the porcini mushroom dust on them and fry them up. My husband often makes dinner on the weekends too!


ps. 'One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.'  ~Luciano Pavarotti and William Wright, Pavarotti, My Own Story....Seriously man, we have to eat every day. Why not eat well?  
pps. I didn't want to move the lily plant for the winter, I also don't want the heat of the rads to cook the plant. It already drinks a lot of water! Then I found the marble chinese checkers board, that I bought in November 2010! I hope it helps! I almost wrote the post about finding a home for another one of my thrifted treasures...

the weird kid

When I was in grade school, I was the weird kid. I am still not over it!  Ok, that's probably the wrong choice of words...I am over it...but it's a part of me, inside...molded into the person I am today.

I can't help feeling like my son is destined to be the weird kid too.  Like he will inherit the crown... is dorkiness hereditary?  Let me explain...

Today was photo day at preschool and I completely forgot. Except, even if I didn't forget, we don't have anything fancy to dress him in. Still, I went home then raced back to change his yellow rubber boots and put a gap plaid shirt on him. I also licked my thumb and flattened his eyebrows.  I checked his nose for boogers... The other kids were looking pretty sharp!  Which gave me a pang of regret - does my son fit in? 

There's another reason for this 'weird mom' guilt trip.  I am building him a GIGANTIC Halloween costume. It's huge! He loves it!  But, it's not exactly playground friendly...definitely an oddball choice! And massive!!!! I have tried to talk him into a different costume for the daytime...no luck - he wants to be a Hot Wheels Highway Hauler. (I can't really blame him since it is wicked!)

No big deal, right? I am dressing him up as a trucker too...pot belly, hat, aviators, mustache...and that same gap plaid shirt!

So maybe he will, or won't be a little different than the pack...as long as he becomes the person he is meant to be, despite having a weird mom...




ps. I could have done a simple show & tell. My son really does love this costume, and he has no problem running around the house with it (well, except when he bumps into things)...what was I thinking?
pps. We have to do a lot of detail work on the truck...the big guy can help me paint designs on the trailer...and the wheels need to be glued on... 


UPDATE: The final costume + last year's fire truck costume.  My son decided to wear the fire truck again this year!  We will keep the Hotwheels highway hauler costumer for next year.

 

Thinking Deeply

When was the last time you thought deeply about any subject? For me, it has been a while.

I just read this line from Pearl S Buck's novel, The Rainbow:

"He had not really thought deeply about anything since he had been in [college]."

This was a 50 year old successful business tycoon reflecting on a play manuscript he had just read. I can relate.

Is thinking deeply a sign of intelligence? Is it something you need to practice? Do you need to train your mind (like meditating?)

I finally finished reading Arthur Koestler's, Darkness at Noon. The book deals with the morality of Stalin's party during the Moscow trials of the late 1930's.  It makes you think.  Except I feel out of practice. I find it impossible to come up with a proper review. I am unable to hold my thoughts together...they turn wispy and float away.

Darkness at Noon took me a month to read...with many many stops and starts. 

I am still digesting it:
"honour is to be useful without vanity"
"honour is decency"
"what is decency?"

"The Party has taught you all to be cunning, and whoever becomes too cunning loses all decency."

The book jacket states that it "is a penetrating exploration of the moral danger inherent in a system that is willing to enforce its beliefs by any means necessary" 

I don't seem to be capable of thinking deeply about the subject (perhaps because I know nothing of the Russian revolution or what came afterwards, this was my first exposure to the era)...yet I can't stop thinking about it.  I am certain I wasn't able to take it all in.  I am probably not even focusing on the most important part.  

At any rate, I am fixated...

Something to talk about

On the bus today, I was eavesdropping on a conversation conducted over my head, between two college-aged people, about earnings power and standard of living in Canada vs USA vs, say,  Katar.  It got me thinking...

I haven't had many adult conversations in the last three years. Do I even have anything to say?

Stuff I know about:
- celebrity gossip
- fiction  novels
- blogs / blogging
- mommy stuff
- diet / exercise
- thrifting
- places I have been

Underwhelmed? I sure am. The list is a little thin. Where's the depth!!?? Time to dive back into life! Experience something new! Learn something new! Connect to the world on a deeper level. 
 
I thought an easy and free place to start is by cracking open the New Yorker magazine (that we already receive). Read an article or two from each issue.  I could also work on asking more questions and listening, rather than bore people with talk about the kids.  I will keep looking for opportunities to feed my brain, to travel, to try something new. The years fly by so quickly, it is a shame to stagnate when the entire world is out there, within reach! 

I quit sugar

I've been eating a lot of junk lately, by a lot, I mean - A LOT! I ate a whole package of chewy chips ahoy cookies at the cottage...gross, right? I have been feeling pretty blah (major mood swings, debbie downer)...So last Thursday, I stuffed one more butter tart into my mouth and decided to give up sugar, diary, and white bread products*

I thought I would clean up my diet for the month of July.  I started googling to read other people's stories** (Anything I can possibly think of has been done before and blogged about!) Anyways, this is when I watched the online lecture Sugar: The Bitter Truth. This video was exactly what I was ready to hear. Now I want to see how long I can live sugar-free!

What will I feel like after an extended period of time? I feel like I signed up for a radical science experiment! I think I already feel different, but that could be all in my head.  At any rate, because I am doing this for my insides, as well as my outer shell, discipline has not been an issue. I am still waiting for my first sugar craving...that will be the true test!!! (I mean, it's only been a week)

Are you interested in how it goes? I will keep you posted if you are curious!

Have you tried this?


Starting Stats: 140 lbs, size 28-29 jeans, muffin top and rolls

* still eating fruit, I've ditched all the sugar I am aware of, soy sauce seems pretty sweet though, so does that pink ginger that comes with sushi.  I am not eating any artificial sweeteners.  I also gave up cheese/dairy and white bread so that I didn't swap one bad habit for another!
** apparently, I have too much time on my hands

ps  Not counting calories, eating whenever I am hungry. I am still nursing.  The baby has been sleeping better - could it be related??
pps I was super hungry the first few days...developed a migraine last Friday, with an annoying headache most of the weekend...


UPDATE: I managed to quit sugar for two months. Then, while on vacation, I ate whatever I was in the mood for. It took a while to quit again.  This time, I am walking away from canned tomato sauce, dried fruit (raisins in my oatmeal), and limiting my consumption of sushi (we don't do take out as frequently anyways...)  I will still eat fresh fruit. 

I am an ugly jogger

I want to start jogging again...I have often thought about it.  I've had two false starts since the baby was born.  Today, the day the baby turned 7 months, I am starting again!  Here's the list of what's been holding me back:

First, I like to make everything an occasion, or fit into a neat box...I'm a square.  If I don't start on the first of a month, and continue for the month, or some other perfect combination of date & time, I am likely to put it off.  It is a very convenient excuse.

Second, I am an ugly jogger...an ugly exerciser.  Red face and sweaty...it's unavoidable.  I used to be in MUCH better shape, but then again, I used to push myself that much harder.  Getting ugly in public is not my favorite thing to do.

Third, people a decade older zoom past me on the belt line (midtown Toronto trail).  I feel like I am standing still in comparison.  I used to measure the success of my jog by how many people I could pass. It was a little game I played with myself.  I got into a race with a guy once who was about to pass me, I was too stubborn to let him....I think my face turned purple that day.

Fourth, and Fifth, the two children.  I can only take one of them in the jogging stroller. (Today I went alone and my husband watched both.)

Sixth, the baby hasn't been sleeping.  His teeth are out and things are settling down again.

Seventh (really, how many excuses can one come up with?), caffeine.  I only recently reintroduced it to my diet...it makes me go!

Eight, gear.  If I have to look ugly in public, I like to at least be in a pretty cool get up.   I look much cuter in a sporty hat or visor, but my forehead breaks out in pimples. 

I will stop there...that is more than enough reasons.  I ignored all excuses today and took off on a thirty minute jog on a very busy beltline. (Passed one other jogger.)  I plan on sticking to a 'two jogs outside a week' regimen this summer.  I rely on you to keep me at it! 


Do you have any favorite excuses? Please share!!

Self portrait and reflection

Having a long term plan - is that the only way to become a successful adult?

I keep asking myself this question, trying to work out a satisfactory answer.  You see I find it impossible to plan anything when my future is so wide open.  In fact, I have no idea what I want to do with my life!

I want to be happy. I know what makes me happy today, but I can't pretend to know what will make me happy in, say, five years time.  Will it be the exact same things as today? I hope not - wouldn't that get boring??

I want to keep evolving as a person.  No ruts please!

I want to be passionate about my hobbies.

Happy-evolving-passionate...successful? It's not exactly a plan.   It's not exactly drifting, either (unless I am deceiving myself).  So how do I go about being happy, evolving and passionate?

The passion comes easy...I get wrapped up in whatever project I am working on - blogging, photography, thrifting are a few of my latest obsessions.  While I don't know how to measure personal  growth, I am willing to try things that make me slightly uncomfortable - once in a while (such as posting my first self portrait online!).  As for happiness? Well, here are a few things that made me happy today:
- fresh laundered sheets
- hearing 'thank you mommy'
- baby smiles
- reading a blog post that I really connect to
- a clean, beautiful, functioning home
- blog comments!!!

I am not sure how clean sheets, thrifting, and playing with my boys could lead to any sort of success.  I can't base a career upon any of them.  Do I pin my hopes for the future on the blog?  I haven't, although it is tempting.  I think approaching 8foot6 as a possible business opportunity might change the way I blog, no?

See - no answers! Just more questions!

Do I need to spin my passions into businesses in order to be someone someday?
Do other stay-at-home moms have a long term plan?P
Is it possible to become a success by taking life on - one.day.at.a.time? 

If you have some answers, or insight, or just want to leave your two cents - I'd love to hear from you!

********Update*******
Thank you to everyone who commented on this post...you have given me a lot (more) to think about! I love hearing your point of view!